Since starting to relapse, I have had to cancel many different events and pull out of various jobs I was doing. People have been lovely and understanding which I am very grateful for. However, they keep on telling me to “Get Well Soon”. My biggest pet peeve. And while it is 100% said out of care and love, it drives me absolutely crazyyyyyyyy. When I have mentioned this to non-sick friends, they have had a lot of questions about why that is. So let’s get into it!
I Will Not!
Number one, sadly, I will not be getting well soon, if ever. The reality is that I have an incurable chronic illness. So, while it can get better than it is now, I will never be well. Even when I have been at my healthiest in the last ten years, I have not been well. So when people tell me to get well soon, it feels disheartening because I know it is almost impossible for that to ever be true.
But, to be honest, it is not only, “Get well soon”, that I struggle with. It is every variant of the phrase, “Get better soon”, “I hope you feel better quickly”, etc. I think the biggest problem with all of these comments is the focus on soon and quickly.
It Takes Time
I know that when I relapse, it takes longer than a couple of weeks to get back to the health level I was at. In fact, it could take months or even years. Many people do not understand or realise that this is the reality for me. So when they very kindly say, “Get well soon”, it shows me just how little they understand about my illness. When someone clearly cares enough to reach out but somehow does not understand your reality, it makes you feel very alone and misunderstood.
At the moment, I am not even at the point where I can start rebuilding and recovering strength because I am still getting sicker. I am still trying to find the correct balance in my life where I am not overdoing and overusing my energy. Until I find that balance and have several relatively stable weeks, I cannot even think about getting better or getting well. On the contrary, my aim now is not to get sicker!
So when people check in after a week or two of me being sick and ask if I am feeling better, I am very grateful that I have such lovely friends who check in with me and how I am doing. But I also feel a little sad and misunderstood that they have really not realised the severity of my illness. On the scale of ME/CFS relapses, two weeks is no time at all!
So What Can You Say?
Now, I want to be very clear, it is really nice that people want to check in and share well wishes with me. It makes me feel a lot less lonely and a lot less invisible. So here are just a few things you can say instead of getting well soon!
How are you doing?
This is a very open-ended question that does not suggest anything about my illness. Instead, it allows me to tell you realistically how it is going. Or, maybe I will pretend it is all right when it isn’t. I guess that depends on how close we are! But it isn’t always easy, to be honest about how things are going when they are not going well!
Sterkte
Okay, this is a Dutch word, but I really like it in Dutch. In English, it translates to, “have strength” which seems a little intense. The English translation suggests I am about to pick up a rucksack and march off to start exploring the mountains and battle alongside the elves and dwarves. Much as that sounds fun, I would love to be well enough to hike in the mountains with dwarves, I am mostly in bed at the moment!
The Dutch version is, for some reason, a little less dramatic and a little softer. It acknowledges that things are tough but sends support. So, if you do choose to use this one, please use the Dutch – I cannot take the translation seriously!
Sending Love or Hugs
You really can’t go wrong with something like this. Honestly, it just needs to be any message of support that doesn’t assume something about me getting better, especially not within a given time frame. It is always nice to receive love and hugs, whether virtual or real life!
To Conclude
When I write or talk about things like this, I always feel like I am a demanding bitch. I feel so lucky that I have so many caring people who do reach out and check in on me – so how churlish of me to find the phrasing difficult.
However, I find it important that people understand the implications of a relapse. I feel most supported when people have some understanding of what I am experiencing. A very easy way to show me that you understand what a relapse means for me is to avoid saying, ‘Get well soon’!
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